I looked at the new black Rock yearbook and it brought me back and put me in a place I haven't been in a while. A place of hope. I've had hope in the past six months but not in the way that I did when I went to burning man or moved out of Elko.
It's hard to describe this feeling of hope. For me, looking at those photo's caused my heart to feel full and have a sense that anything is possible. Bliss is the only way to really describe it. Bliss for the excitement of a journey that is making a dream come true.
It feels like a light in me has been off for a while. It's hard to shine bright when something simple like a job has been such a difficult task. As exciting as burning man is, for me right now, eating a chipotle is that exciting. Getting to buy something that you don't have to have is exciting. I'm grateful for being able to feel excited by little things now days but that isn't looking past your nose to find your dreams.
I miss that state of mind. The one where building a rotating room seemed like a realistic goal. The state of mind that got me to burning man and got me to move out of state. I feel like i'm just getting by and not contributing to the world around me. I feel like i'm not even contributing to myself and building myself to be the person that I know I am.
Moving out here, I felt like I would be a force that no one could contain and really be something new for people to feast on. I feel like an infomercial when i'm really the superbowl.
God there's so many thoughts in my head. Should I be more exaggerated so people can know me better? Is that being true to myself by doing that? I makes me think about inverts and how they get famous.
I remember being so excited to meet people. I remember thinking every person is a new opportunity to have something amazing happen. I had so much faith and hope for the world. I'm not saying I didn't care about the world around me, I just got to a point of thinking people were people and not someone magical.
But then I remember the burners I met at the museum. the people I met in parking lots in Nevada and how a stranger wasn't just a stranger, it was my new best friend. I need to get back in a place where I used to fish for friends. Look for the glow in people.
Lately I've been reluctant to meet people lately. I need to let that go. To let myself and my thoughts go and just be.
Blaa sorry for the rant. I feel much better now. I will say that I do have a tendency to need to talk to someone at 2am. the most convenient of times. But I talked it out and I feel much better now. New art stuff again soon :D
